Why Change Your Wife


1
Angels are often dead
  husbands, but husbands
are seldom live angels. Wives
know this but they can't
seem to get used to it.

2
Thus we meet, early one
  morning, a certain husband
with no more faults than most
men and the usual amount of
matrimonial resignation to fate.

Robert Gordon,
. . . . . . Thomas Meighan.

3
Beth, his wife, whose
 virtues are her only vices
and who willingly gave up
her husband's liberty when
she married him - 

		Gloria Swanson.

4
Marriage, like genius, is
  an infinite capacity
for taking pains.

5
Molten lead poured on the
  skin is soothing compared
to a wife's constant disapproval
- but when she actually con-
demns the wine cellar - Oh
well - What's the use?

6
 "How can you spend
money for this, Robert,
when you think of the
starving millions in
Europe?"

7
 "My dear, we give con-
stantly to help the starving 
millions. Why do you in-
sist that everything I do for
our happiness rob some
one else?"

8
 "Robert, I've told
you before, that
dog must not come
in the house!"

9
Enter now the dressing room
 of a little lady who works
as a model in the "Maison Chic".
Legally a widow, and optically
a pippin is Sally Clark.

. . . . . . Bebe Daniels.

10
Pondering her husband's
 eternal problem - the strange
difference between his wife and
the girl he married, Robert de-
cides that a gift may restore the
long lost smile to Beth's face -
but with the bad luck of a mar-
ried man he picks the shop 
where Sally displays gowns -
and Sally.

11
 "I want a present for
a lady - you know -
something that'll make 
her happy."

12
 "Take a look out front at
the curly headed baby
buying lingerie."

13
 "Why he comes from
my town upstate. I was
crazy about him when
my mother was punch-
ing a typewriter in his
father's law office."

14
 "Does the heart
go with the dress?"

15
 "Don't you just
adore curly hair?"

16
A husband hates to have
 his soul improved too soon
after dinner - particularly when
he is thinking how charming
his wife will look in her new
negligee.

17
 "Robert, you promised
not to smoke so much.
Remember, dear, it's for
your own good."

18
 "Robert, why will you
play that awful, physical
music? Try to cultivate
your taste, dear!"

19
 "Put on what you find in 
the box, honey, and then
come back to me."

20
It is the wife's conscience
 that "doth make cowards
of us all".

21
 "Do you know,
somehow in the 
shop, it looked -
thinner."

22
 "My dearest, since time
began dress has played it's
part in love, and woman
has worn it to delight
her mate."

23
 "Robert, you've 
been drinking!"

24
 "Do you expect me to
share your Oriental ideas?
Do you want your wife to
lure you like a - a - Oh
why didn't you marry a
Turk?"

25
A wife's idea of relaxation
  for her husband is to
let him share whatever en-
tertainment she enjoys.

26
 "I've got seats for the
'Follies', dear. Let's dine
downtown and have a
little party - just us two."

27
 "Evelyn just sent a 
note saying that she's
bringing Radinoff over 
after dinner to play his
Adagio in E Minor."

28
 "Then I'll dine at the club
- I'm tired of hearing that
wired-haired foreigner tor-
ture a fiddle."

29
 "This belongs to the 
negligee you bought.
It was left out by 
mistake."

30
 "I'm sorry - but 
I've no one to go 
with."

31
 "I'd hate to sit 
next to a vacant 
seat."

32
When a husband has had
 his faults thoroughly and
constantly explained to him at
home, he listens more easily 
to an old friend who tells him how
wonderful he is. So after the
theatre Robert finds it hard to
leave Sally at her door.

33
 "Just one little teeny
sandwich won't take
a minute."

34
Music is to many women a
 peculiar combination of
Romance and Religion. The
musician seems to make
celestial love to her soul.
She feels a spiritual embrace
which wrongs no one -
Hence the great social suc-
cess of Radinoff.

	Theodore Kosloff.

35
"Here's to those who love us
    If we only cared.
Here's to those whom we'd love
    If we only - dared."

36
As the hurricane sweeps
 all before it, so does the
madness of a moment some-
times conquer - even love.

37
As the shadow is blackest
 in the brightest sunlight,
so is remorse the deepest
in a strong man's soul.

38
 "Where have
you been?"

39
 "A friend went 
with me."

40
 "I'm sorry I was cross
and didn't come home, 
dear. Forgive me and let's 
not quarrel any more - 
ever."

41
 "I don't use vulgar perfume
and I don't wear indecent 
clothes. As you've evidently
found someone who does, I
won't stand between you
and your ideal."

42
 "You needn't leave the 
house to get rid of me. If
you won't live with me
any more I'll go - in the
morning."

43
So when morning comes,
 at last, merciless virtue
proves stronger than love
- and wrecks a home.

44
 "Don't think you can 
come to me with another
woman's kisses on your
lips. I'm through!"

45
 "All right - I'll take my share 
of the blame - but how about
yours? All you do to make me
happy is to improve my mind.
All you talk about is the virtues
I haven't got and the faults I 
have. Well - I married a woman,
not a governess! I want to live
in a home, not a convent! I
want a sweetheart, not a judge!"

46
On the day the divorce is 
 granted Beth's Aunt Kate
prescribes a new gown as the
most soothing remedy to apply
to a broken heart.

47
 "When a girl can wear
a bathing suit like this
- it's her duty to do so."

48
 "It's better not to wear
your wedding ring like
this, dear. Put it away
- and forget."

49
 "I'm going to give
my whole life to
charity, Aunt Kate.
I hate clothes -
and men."

50
 "Oh, look! Mrs. Robert 
Gordon has gotten her 
divorce."

51
 "No wonder she lost him.
She just wouldn't play with
him. Then she dressed as
if she were his aunt not his
wife. But I'm terribly sorry
for her - poor thing!"

52
 "They pity me, do they?"
Pity me because I've been 
fool enough to think a man
wants his wife modest and
decent. All right: I'm still
young, thank God, and I'll
play their game with them.
I dress like an old woman, 
do I? Well, you watch me 
- from now on.

53
 "I'll take this and six 
more; and make them
sleeveless, backless,
transparent, indecent
- go the limit."

54
 "Please don't be
lonely - somebody
does care!"

55
Matrimony, like a dip in
 the sea, first stimulates,
then chills. But once out of
the water the call of the
ocean lures the bather to
another plunge.

56
And for the second 
 time Robert learns that
wives will be wives.

57
 "Bobbles, kiss um
poor little finner."

58
 "I've worked hard for 
years and haven't had 
any real fun - and I just
love big hotels. I think
you might take me."

59
 "Don't 'e love 'is
little wiff?"

60
 "I do love you, dear 
- but I'm shaving."

61
Two who already regret
  Robert's marriage.

62
 "That awful dog of yours
is trying to kill my poor 
Toodles again! This time
he's got to go!"

63
There is a mysterious force
 which draws together those
who constantly think of each 
other. Fools call it "coincidence";
but be that as it may, Sally
takes her husband right to the
hotel where Beth is staying.

64
Beth's new bathing suit is
 designed to prove that
she doesn't dress like any-
body's aunt.

65
 "I'm here with my 
- with Mrs. Gordon
and - the dog."

66
"Isn't he a darling? You 
know, 'the more I see 
of men, the better I like 
dogs'."

67
 "If you'd like to have 
him I wish you'd take
him - Mrs. Gordon is
a little - nervous about
dogs."

68
 "Radinoff wanted a little
holiday before his season
starts so he begged Aunt
Kate and me to spend a
few days here."

69
When a woman
 meets her ex-hus-
band she realizes all
she has lost; When
she meets his wife she
realizes all he has lost.

70
 "Mrs. Gordon - this is
- er - Mrs. Gordon."

71
 "What is that woman 
doing with our dog?"

72
The summer night - with
 its thousand tinted lights;
when throbbing music and
the scent of flowers calls
youth to romance.

73
 "I left my fan up-
stairs, dear; will you 
get it for me?"

74
 "I'm in an awful fix.
I can't find a maid to 
fasten my gown."

75
 "I wonder what's 
keeping Beth up-
stairs?"

76
 "You used to like per-
fume - but I never had 
sense enough to use it."

77
 "My dear, you yourself
taught me to be faithful 
to one woman at a time."

78
 "I'm not going down 
again; my head's just 
splitting, and the music 
makes it worse."

79
 "Dance with me, 
Radinoff, make me
forget.

80
 "If you cared any-
thing about me, you'd 
stay here with me."

81
When two people have passed 
 a sleepless night fighting
vain regret, it is not surprising if
each decides that, even though
it makes the heart grow fonder,
absence is certainly much safer.

82
 "You're running away
because you still love 
Robert."

83
 "I've just had a phone
call from the office, dear,
and I must run right
back to town."

84
But how perfectly use-
 less it is to run away 
from Fate.

85
If this were fiction the train
 would be wrecked or they
would have a terrible auto-
mobile accident on leaving the
station. But in real life, if it
isn't a woman, it's generally a 
brick or a banana peel that
changes a man's destiny.

86
 "I'll take him home
with me. He - he is
my husband."

87
Danger, the great revealer
 of human hearts, makes 
many a woman claim the 
man she loves - heedless of
consequence.

88
 "Your husband 
has met with an 
accident."

89
 "This is Mrs. Gordon 
speaking. I've brought
him to my home. You'd
better come at once."

90
 "This blow on the head has
given his heart a dangerous 
shock. He may pull through
if he is kept quiet and not
moved for twenty-four hours."

91
But there are many
 excellent reasons
why Sally doesn't care
to leave her husband 
in Beth's house - for 
Beth to nurse.

92
 "Dearest, I've been hav-
ing a terrible dream. I
thought I was married to 
another woman."

93
 "You weren't woman enough
to keep him here when you
had him - and you're not
going to get the chance now.
He belongs in my house -
and that's where he's going!"

94
 "If you move him you
may kill him. The doctor
says he must stay here
until the crisis is over."

95
 "You can order my stretcher 
bearers out of your house, but 
I guess the police will know 
who's got the right to take him."

96
 "You give me that 
key - or I'll take it!"

97
 "Seven years
bad luck."

98
 "Get away from that 
door, or I'll spoil your
beauty with this, so
that no man will ever
look at you again!"

99
 "Mrs. Gordon has 
decided to spend the
night here. Haven't
you?"

100
Through night's long hours
 until the day - one woman
sleeps and forgets; the other
watches and remembers.

101
 "The crisis is over, 
Mrs. Gordon. He will
recover. He can be
taken home now."

102
 "Take him home now
if you like; but some
day he's coming back 
to me - because he's
mine."

103
 "You don't want to go home.
You told me that you came to 
town on business. Some busi-
ness! But I've got something 
here that will fix her so you'll 
never want to look at her 
again."

104
 "It's all right,
dear - it's only
my eye wash."

105
 "You won't need this
key anymore - because
you're through in my
house. There's only one
good thing about mar-
riage anyway - and
that's alimony."

106
On the night of their second
 wedding there are two who
have learned that romance can
go on - through Marriage into
the years beyond.

107
 "I've something up-
stairs, my dear, that
I've been saving for 
you."

108
 "Oh, I just adore
curly hair."

109
And now you know what every
 husband knows: that a man
would rather have his wife for
his sweetheart than any other
woman: but Ladies: if you would
be your husband's sweetheart,
you simply must learn when
to forget that you're his wife.

110
The End.


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