Suds

[American release version:]

1
Oh, this is no tale of gay romance,
  Of storm-swept shores, adventure-girt
Of bold, heroic circumstance,
Of daring deeds, of luck, of chance,
  Of purple pain, of hectic hurt ---

2
No! no!
 NO! NO!

3
No hero here with passion pants --
  This is the tale of a shirt!

4
What ho!
 Let's go!

5
LONDON.

6
Spring had come to Effingham street
 --- a spring without the song
of birds or the scent of blossoms.

7
And in this street
  there stood a -

8
Lavender, who still thinks
    he is a horse ---

9
--- trying to keep up
a brave front with a
laundry wagon in back.

10
Benjamin Pillsbury Jones,
  who is back of Lavender
in everything he does --

11
"Where is Amanda?"

12
"Amanda! Amanda!"

13
"AMANDA!"

14
"'Ere I be, yer ladyship!"

15
"Blimy, you 'nd Lavender
 'ave a 'ell of a time,
   don't you, Sudsie?"

16
"When 'Orace Greensmith, hesquire,
   calls fer 'is shirt -- --
 and me, - - then I laughs last."

17
"Lor! Imagine a swell
   takin' 'er away!"

18
"A gent she don't even know,
     I'm a thinkin'!"

19
"Garn, shirt-tail wringers!"

20
"Cheer-oh, Lavender, old top!
 'Ere's one bloomin' barsket
    you won't 'ave to lug!"

21
"On the 'appy day I becomes
  the blushink bride of
'Orace Greensmith, hesquire,
   you delivers yer last
       corset-cover!"

22
"Sell 'im to the glue fact'ry!
   He ain't no good no more!"

23
"Petit cochonne!"


24
"Enfant de chien!"

25
"Vermine!"

26
"I - never - did!"

27
"Petite imbecile! Wash-
   you these clothes
 if it take all night!"

28
"And down the long and silent street,
 The dawn, with silver-sandalled feet,
    Crept like a frightened girl."

29
In the night's dead stillness,
  while all London sleeps - -

30
--- slight noises seem
like thunder - sounds,
and each shadow some
hideous monster hides!

31
He had left the shirt
  eight months and six-
teen days ago -- and had
never come back for it.

32
Eight months and sixteen 
 days ago -- but it seemed
like yesterday to her!

33
And so the spring morning
 swung into its drab routine ---

34
"Strike me pink! If
  she ain't washed
the bloomin' shirt again!"

35
"She washes it twice
 a week - - to keep
 'is memory clean!"

36
"Please - Oh, please don't!"

37
"'Orace is comin', so 
   I keeps it ready."

38
"Garn, he ain't never
 comin' - he's a myth!"

39
"A myth, is 'e? I'll tell you 
    somethink you don't
 know -- 'E's Sir 'Orace ---
 'e belongs to the nobility
 --- the same as I does ---"

40
"If yer such a fine lady,
 wot are yuh doin' 'ere?"

41
"Me father wanted me
  to grow up without
 any rank -- or pearls
 -- or carriages ---"

42
"-- -- so as I should be
 loved for meself alone!"

43
"It wuz a wintry night
 -- bitter cold it wuz
 outside the castle ---"

44
"The arch-dook, me father,
   'ad me locked in
      the tower."

45
"--- And 'ere you must
 remain, daughter, till
 yer love for Sir 'Orace
 is cold 'nd dead!"

46
"Not that, Father, in
   'eaven's nime,
      not that!"

47
"Lock and bar them doors!"

48
"Sir 'Orace wuz a 'andsome
    figger as he dashed
 bravely forth outer the night."

49
"Duchess!"

50
"Sir 'Orace, at last!"

51
"Sir 'Orace, me 'ero,
 me own true knight!"

52
"Nothink shall separate us
 now, sweet'eart -- nothink!"

53
"The arch-dook's rage wuz
   turrible to be'old!"

54
"What ho, poltroon!
  What do you 'ere?"

55
"I'm 'ere becuz I loves 'er!"

56
"You, Sir 'Orace, like all
   the rest, loves 'er
 for 'er jools 'nd title!"

57
"Nay!...Why, I'd lay down
     me life for 'er!"

58
"I'd even give 'er the
  shirt off me back!"

59
"I with'old me consent!
   Leave this 'ouse!"

60
"I refuse!"


61
"It is for the best,
 darlink - Good-bye!
     Good-bye!"

62
"You, too, daughter, must go
   out into the world and
 be loved for yerself alone!"

63
"Gimme them there jools!"

64
"And with the token of 'is
    great love wrapped
 about me slight but
 shiverink form, I faced
 the cru-el world -- alone!"

65
"And this 'ere is
  the very shirt!"

66
Imagination is God's greatest gift
  .... Even a hungry flea
on a toy dog may be happy
 - - with imagination!

67
"You've got some stupid fool
 'ere who sent me this --
 But I want to thank you,
 because my wife saw it
 and left me this morning!"

68
"Oh, monsieur, I am
  so very sorry --"

69
"Idiot! You will loose me
    all my customer!"

70
"Mon Dieu, donnez-moi la force
    pour écraser ce ver!"

[dissolves to:]

"My Lord, give me the strength
     to crush this worm!"

71
"HELP! HELP!"

72
The day was too long for 
 poor, tired, old Lavender -

73
"It is the finish - -
   I sell 'im for glue!"

74
The glue factory ---
 the inglorious end of
old horses after years 
of faithful service --

75
"You wouldn't -- if you knew
   Lavender like I does!"

76
So they carted Lavender
 away -- and none so poor
to do him reverence!

77
"They 'ave taken Lavender
  to the glue fact-ry."

78
"Wot for?"

79
"To be kilt! 'E's old
 and can't work no more."

80
"I'll give yuh money
 - - all I've got!"

81
Back into the sunshine of life,
   but not for long - -
for when it rains in London
- - Blimy, 'Ow it does pour!

82
Bright and early
 Sunday morning - -
Boudoir Secrets of 
  a Duchess - -

83
Lady Burke-Cavendish -
 in Effingham street on
an errand of mercy --

84
"Do you mean to say
 you have no place
   to take him?"

85
"No, I 'aven't, yer ladyship.
  'E spent the night with me."

86
"I say, have you observed
  the shabby individual
      on my right?"

87
"Raw-ther! .... But
 ignore him, Reggie
 - - he's in trade."

88
"Don't be so cocky! Life,
  my young friends,
 is a long road with
 many hills ---- and the
 journey's end uncertain!"

89
"If you wish, I will
 send him out to
 my country place,
 Sunnyside Downs."

90
Next day was Whitsun Monday
-- the great spring holiday --

91
The laundry was to 
 close at noon ---

92
"The compliments of Lady
  Burke-Cavendish to
 Miss Amanda Afflick!"

93
"Her ladyship desires your
   presence without!"

94
"I have stopped to tell you
 that your friend Lavender
   is well and happy."

95
"-- -- -- and with your
 permission he will spend
 the rest of his days 
 there -- -- in clover!"

96
"It was me aunt, the countess,
   with a message from me
   father, the arch-dook!"

97
"Why didn't yuh get 'er to
   tike yuh to 'Ampstead
   for the 'oliday?"

98
"Sir 'Orace is a-comin' 
      for me!"

99
"'Orace!"

100
"Please don't give me away, 
  Mr. Greensmith! Let me
 'old yer 'and a minute!"

101
"Oh, it's like one from
      the grave!"

102
"Don't you dare let on
 you don't know me - -
 not till the girls go!"

103
"See you at 'Ampstead, Sudsie
 -- -- you and Sir 'Orace!"

104
"What's all this nonsense?
    I don't know you!"

105
"My, but you're 'andsome, 
  Mr. 'Orace -- -- --"

106
"- - - but I s'pose
  you knows that!"

107
"Come now, step lively
 -- -- get me me shirt!"

108
"I washed it twice a week
 to 'ave it ready for you."

109
"What does all this mean?
  And what's this about
    'Ampstead, eh?"

110
"The girls thinks as 'ow
  you're goin' to take
  me to 'Ampstead ---"

111
"They thinks as 'ow you're
    in love with me!"

112
"I'll take you to 'Ampstead!"

113
"On second thoughts,
 p'raps we'd better
 go to Epping Forest."

114
"Epping? ... Oh, the girls
  wouldn't see us there."

115
"That's it, y'see - -
 we'd miss the crowd
 -- it'd be much nicer --"

116
It came to her swiftly,
 poignantly --- that he
would be ashamed of her!

117
"I can't go, reely,
 Mr. Greensmith --"

118
"My folks wouldn't let me --"

119
"Besides, I wuz
  only jokin'."

120
"Say you ain't angry --"

121
"If - if I only 'ad
   somethink to
 remember you by!"

122
"You're a game little kid!"

123
"Who would love me?"

124
"Who could?"

125
"Nobody never won't!"

126
As Lavender would say,
"The roads of life are 
sometimes bumpy, but you
never know what awaits you
just around the corner."

127
"How would you like to
 stay here and serve us?"

128
"'Orace! what are you
     doink here?"

129
"Workink. What are
  you doink 'ere?"

130
"I'm workink 'ere too.
 'Ave a dish o' tea?"

131
"O, 'Orace, 'ow you do
      carry on!"

THE END

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[Foreign release version (includes reconstructed titles):]

1
No! no!
 NO! NO!

2
No hero here with passion pants --
  This is the tale of a shirt!

3
What ho!
 Let's go!

4
LONDON.

5
Spring had come to Effingham street
 --- a spring without the song
of birds or the scent of blossoms.

6
And in this street
  there stood a -

7
Lavender, who still thinks
    he is a horse ---

8
   - trying to 
keep up a brave front 
with a laundry wagon 
    behind him.

9
"Where is Amanda?"

10
"Amanda! Amanda!"

11
"AMANDA!"

12
"'Ere I be, yer ladyship!"

13
"Blimy, you 'nd Lavender
 'ave a 'ell of a time,
   don't you, Sudsie?"

14
"Wait till 'Orace Greensmith
 hesquire, calls fer his 
 shirt - and me - you'll
 soon see who laughs last!"

15
"A bloke what she's never
 so much as set eyes on!"

16
"Garn, yer old mangle-worms!"

17
"Cheerio, Lavender, old bird.
   Any'ow, 'ere's one
 blinkin' barsket as you 
   won't 'ave to lug!"

18
"On the 'appy day I becomes
  the blushink bride of
'Orace Greensmith, hesquire,
   you delivers yer last
       corset-cover!"

19
"Sell 'im to the glue fact'ry!
   He ain't no good no more!"

20
"Petite peste!"


21
"Espéce de idiote!"

22
"Vermine!"

23
"Sich language!"

24
"Petite imbécile! 
  Wash you zese
 clothes if it take 
 you all ze night!"

25
"And down the long and silent street,
 The dawn, with silver-sandalled feet,
    Crept like a frightened girl."

26
In the night's dead stillness,
  while all London sleeps - -

27
--- slight noises seem
like thunder - sounds,
and each shadow some
hideous monster hides!

28
He had left the shirt
  eight months and six-
teen days ago -- and had
never come back for it.

29
Eight months and sixteen 
 days ago -- but it seemed
like yesterday to her!

30
 And so the spring morning
swung into its drab routine -

31
"Strike me pink! If she 
 ain't washed that there
  bloomin' shirt again!"

32
"She washes it twice a
  week - for to keep 
 'is memory clean-like!"

33
"Please - Oh, please don't!"

34
"'Orace is comin', so 
   I keeps it ready."

35
"Garn, he ain't never comin' - 
    he's a fairy-taile!"

36
"Fairy-taile, is 'e? I'll tell
  you somethink you don't
  know - 'E's Sir 'Orace -
 'e belongs to the nobility -
        same as me!"

37
"If you're such a fine
  lady, wot are you 
  a'doin' of 'ere?"

38
"Me father wanted me for
  to grow up without
 no rank - nor pearls -
    nor carridges!"

39
 "- so as I should be
 loved for myself alone!"

40
"It wuz a wintry night
 - bitter cold it wuz
 outside the castle -"

41
"The arch-dook, me father,
   'ad me locked in
      the tower."

42
"- And 'ere you remain, 
 daughter, says 'e, till
 yer love for Sir 'Orace
   is cold 'nd dead!"

43
"Not that, Father, in
   'eaven's nime,
      not that!"

44
 "Sir 'Orace wuz an 
   'andsome figger 
 as he dashed bravely 
 forth inter the night."

45
"Duchess!"

46
"Sir 'Orace, at last!"

47
"Sir 'Orace, me 'ero,
 me own true knight!"

48
"Nothink shall separate us
 now, sweet'eart -- nothink!"

49
"The arch-dook's rage wuz
  turrible for to be'old!"

50
"Nay!...Why, I'd lay down
     me life for 'er!"

51
"I'd even give 'er the
  shirt off me back!"

52
"I withhold me consent!
   Leave this 'ouse!"

53
"You too, daughter, must go
  out into the cold, grey
  world and be loved for
     yerself alone!"

54
"Gimme them there jools!"

55
"And with the token of 'is
    great love wrapped
 about me slight but
 shiverink form, I faced
 the cru-el world -- alone!"

56
"And this 'ere is
  the very shirt!"

57
Imagination is God's greatest gift
  ... Even a hungry flea
 on a toy dog may be happy
   - with imagination!

58
"You've got some stupid fool
 'ere who sent me this -
 But I want to thank you,
 because my wife saw it
 and left me this morning!"

59
"Oh, monsieur, I am
  so very sorry -"

60
"Idiote! You lose me
 all ze customairs!"

61
"Bon Dieu, Si je pouvais
 écraser cette vermine!"

62
"HELP! HELP!"

63
The day was too long for 
 poor, tired, old Lavender -

64
"It is finish - I sell 'im 
      for ze glue!"

65
  The glue factory -
 the inglorious end of
old horses after years 
 of faithful service -

66
"You wouldn't -- if you 
    knowed Lavender 
      like I does!"

67
So they carted Lavender
 away - and none so poor
  to do him reverence!

68
"They 'ave taken Lavender
  to the glue fact-ry."

69
"For what?"

70
"To be killed! 'E's old
 and can't work no more."

71
"I'll give yer money -
 every penny I've got!"

72
Back into the sunshine
 of life, but not for 
long - for when it rains 
in London - Lord love a 
duck, 'ow it does rain!

73
Bright and early
 Sunday morning - 
Boudoir Secrets of 
  a Duchess - 

74
Lady Burke-Cavendish -
 in Effingham street on
an errand of mercy --

75
"Do you mean to say
 you have no place
   to take him?"

76
"No, I 'aven't, yer ladyship.
  'E spent the night with me."

77
"I say, have you observed
  the shabby individual
      on my right?"

78
"Raw-ther! .... But
 ignore him, Reggie
 - - he's in trade."

79
"Don't be so cocky! Life,
  my young friends,
 is a long road with
 many hills ---- and the
 journey's end uncertain!"

80
"If you wish, I will
 send him out to
 my country place,
 Sunnyside Downs."

81
Next day was Bank Holiday!

82
Mme. Didier had managed to
 persuade her laundresses 
  to work till noon - -

83
"The compliments of Lady
  Burke-Cavendish to
 Miss Amanda Afflick!"

84
"Her ladyship desires to
 have a word with you!"

85
"I have stopped to tell you
 that your friend Lavender
   is well and happy."

86
"- and with your permission
  he will spend the rest
   of his days there -
       in clover!"

87
"It was me aunt, the Countess,
   with a message from me
   father, the Arch-dook!"

88
"Why didn't you get her to
   tyke you to the 'Eath
      for the day?"

89
"Sir 'Orace is a-comin' 
      for me!"

90
"'Orace!"

91
"Please don't give me away, 
  Mr. Greensmith! Let me
 'old yer 'and a minute!"

92
"Oh, it's like one from
      the grave!"

93
"Don't you dare let on
 you don't know me - -
 not till the girls go!"

94
"See you at 'Ampstead, Sudsie
 -- -- you and Sir 'Orace!"

95
"What's all this nonsense?
    I don't know you!"

96
"My, but you're 'andsome, 
  Mr. 'Orace -- -- --"

97
"- - - but I s'pose
  you knows that!"

98
"Come now, step lively
 -- -- get me me shirt!"

99
"I washed it twice a week
 to 'ave it ready for you."

100
"What does all this mean?
  And what's this about
    'Ampstead, eh?"

101
"The girls thinks as 'ow
  you're goin' to take
  me to 'Ampstead ---"

102
"They thinks as 'ow you're
    in love with me!"

103
"I'll take you to 'Ampstead!"

104
"On second thoughts,
 p'raps we'd better
 go to Epping Forest."

105
"Epping? ... Oh, the girls
  wouldn't see us there."

106
"That's it, y'see - -
 we'd miss the crowd
 -- it'd be much nicer --"

107
It came to her swiftly,
 poignantly --- that he
would be ashamed of her!

108
"I can't go, reely,
 Mr. Greensmith --"

109
"My folks wouldn't let me --"

110
"Besides, I wuz
  only jokin'."

111
"Say you ain't angry --"

112
"If - if I only 'ad
   somethink to
 remember you by!"

113
"You're a game little kid!"

114
"Who would love me?"

115
"Who could?"

116
"Nobody never won't!"

117
As Lavender would say:
"The hills of life are hard
-- but coasting down the 
   other side is easy."

118
What ho! -- a merry
   little wasp!

119
"That's gratitude!"

THE END


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