Spring Fever

1
Golf was invented by the 
Dutch in an effort to 
make the Scotch forget 
      bagpipes.

2
But today we find the 
American--first in war,
first in peace and first 
on the course in the 
     morning.

3
Mr. Waters, who occasionally
neglected golf long enough
to run the Northwestern
      Shipping Co.

4
"Sufferin' niblicks! 
   A hole in one!"

5
"Gentlemen--as Colonel
 Lindbergh said on a
 similar occasion --"

6
"My darling wife! I don't 
 know what I'd do without 
          you!"

7
"Call me in my study, 
 dear -- when breakfast 
       is ready."

8
"Get out! You're driving
         me mad!"

9
But Mr. Waters wasn't 
the only golf "bug" --
the Municipal Course
was alive with 'em.

10
"You're number 72.
 You might get off by
 noon, if you're lucky."

11
Jack Kelly, who neglected
golf only long enough to 
work for Mr. Waters as
   shipping clerk.

12
"Where's the other member 
   of your foursome?"

13
"I'd be pleased to join 
  you folks. Let's go!"

14
"Some drive! But you're
    in a sand trap."

15
"I'll get a birdie on
      this hole."

16
"What's a birdie?"

17
"It's a thing that makes 
 wise birds turn cuckoo."

18
"What is he digging 
        for?"

19
"If you'll postpone your 
 excavating for a while,
 I'll get my ball out of 
        your way."

20
"This is no laughing
 matter, you poor sap!"

21
"FORE!"

22
"If I had time I'd show
 you folks how to sink
      a long one."

23
"Gee, Pa - lay off those
 heavy boxes! You're
     no Dempsey."

24
"The boss has been 
 hollerin' for you - an'
 he's mad as blazes."

25
"Listen, Pa -- if the old
 herring gets too fresh
 I'll quit -- then where
       will he be?"

26
"You're fired!"

27
"I saw you do that!"

28
"My boy, it was a delight
      to the eye!"

29
"What a rosy place this
 world would be if I
 could hit a golf ball
     like that!"

30
"If you're off your game,
 boss - just break down
 and confess everything
         to me."

31
"I'm slicing, Kelly - can't
   keep the darned pill
    out of the woods!"

32
"I'll be glad to straighten
 you out - - any time 
       you say."

33
"Show me that swing of
 yours, will you, Kelly?"

34
"You should be a golf
 professional. Why are
 you wasting your time
   working for me?"

35
"Because I like you, boss --
 you're a commercial genius -
 your winning personality has
     made me stay here!"

36
"That's what I call the
 answer to a squirrel's 
        prayer."

37
"Where do you think
 your little boy is going
 to spend his vacation?"

38
"That's what I got for
 spending two mornings
 teaching the boss a few
 smart things about
        golf."

39
"My chauffeur will drive 
 you to the Club in the
    morning, Kelly."

40
"Fine! Send the car
 with that horn that
  sneers at people."

41
"Pipe down! Can't you
 see what's coming off 
        here?"

42
"That's no way to
 handle my favorite 
      spoon!"

43
"That little club is almost
 human. It's the best
 friend I've got in the 
         world."

44
"I didn't mean that, Pa.
 You know who's my
     best pal."

45
The Oakmont Country Club
- a castle of leisure designed
to keep the idle rich busy.

46
"Well, if it isn't Miss 
         Monte!"

47
"Don't tell me you don't
   remember me -- -- 
      Jack Kelly."

48
"I'm in the shipping business
  -- my family came from a
    long line of peers."

49
"Wasn't it at Mary
  Brown's party?"

50
"I knew you would 
    remember!"

51
"I never heard of 
   Mary Brown!"

52
The wealthy Widow
Lomsdon had married 
in haste and repented 
      at Reno.

53
Eustace Tewksbury was
born in London and had 
been in a fog ever since.

54
Harry Johnson, the club
champion -- devoted to
 golf and Allie Monte.

55
"Hello, Blondy!"

56
"Well, it's lucky I came
 along. We'll just make 
    it a foursome."

57
"Not a bad shot for 
      a girl."

58
"FORE!"

59
"These golf novices
 shatter my nerves."

60
"Ever see this little
 nerve exhibition?"

61
"I'm sorry -- honest --
 that's the first time
 I ever hit anybody on
     the links."

62
"You folks go right ahead
 with your foursome --
    I'll follow you."

63
"You'll slice if you grip
   your club that way!"

64
"You're not jealous, 
      are you?"

65
"Isn't he the cleverest
        thing!"

66
"You're not jealous, 
      are you?"

67
"This is a cinch. You
 should get on the 
   green in one."

68
In a few days everybody
was convinced that when
Kelly grasped a golf club
it became a magic wand.

69
"That guy don't like me.
    I wonder why?"

70
"He's the club champion.
 I suppose he's afraid you
  might beat his record."

71
"You mean he likes
 you - and he's afraid
  I'll beat his time."

72
"I'm crazy about this
 spoon. How much
 will you take for it?"

73
"She's my little sweetheart
 -- the truest little pal in
 the world -- -- and they
 don't make enough dough
       to buy her!"

74
"How do I look?"

75
"You look like a million
  right from the mint!"

76
"Oh, I'd love to have
 you teach me that 
       swing!"

77
"How've you been --
      if any?"

78
"Allie, I'm sorry -- --
 please let me explain!"

79
"I can see you in there,
 Allie! Why don't you
      answer me?"

80
"Won't oo let oo ittle
 boy friend make upsie
       wiv oo?"

81
"Can you beat it? I can't
 get into my own room?"

82
"It isn't my room at all!
    Isn't that odd?"

83
"Yoo -- hoo!"

84
"Go back! You'll break 
     your neck!"

85
"I just ran over to ask
   your forgiveness."

86
"You're so beautiful I feel
 like I'm wasting my time
 when I'm not looking at 
          you."

87
"You must go! You
 don't realize what 
   you are doing."

88
"What would you do if
 I closed my window?"

89
"I'd take a fall - and
 you'd feel terribly
        hurt."

90
"I'm gonna hang around
 here until you forgive 
           me."

91
"Good night -- I had 
 a lovely evening."

92
"If Kelly wins this hole,
 Johnson's sunk -- they
 won't have to finish
      the round."

93
"That boy's my nephew."

94
"Aren't you simply wild 
   about Mr. Kelly?"

95
"That silly bounder is
 enough to make anyone 
         wild!"

96
"That's my nephew!"

97
"Why don't you finish the
 eighteen holes? You
 stand a chance of beating
  the course record."

98
The last hole.

99
"Not much chance. He 
 has to make it in two
 to beat the record."

100
"Looks like this will take
 some of the ego out of 
          him."

101
"He hasn't made his
 second stroke yet, 
       Harry."

102
"Well, your nephew is
 jolly well done for 
         now!"

103
"Gimme my sweetheart."

104
"Spoon?"

105
"He's my nephew!"

106
"Speech! Speech!"

107
"This reminds me of 
 Bobby Jones - who is
 a good golfer, too."

108
"Gee, Pa, what did you
  come up here for?"

109
"I heard about you
 winning the tourney,
 and I came up to tell
 you how proud I am."

110
"I just thought I'd call
 for Jack. His vacation
    is over today."

111
"Let him stay tonight.
 I'll take him with me
   in the morning."

112
"I'm not going back -- 
      get me?"

113
"I'm going to stay right
  here and play golf!"

114
"But, Jack -- this is a rich
 man's place. You haven't
        any money!"

115
"No? Well, I'll get some
         money!"

116
"There are plenty of
 rich girls here who
 are crazy about me!"

117
"I'm going to marry
       money!"

118
"Kelly, I'm surprised
 at you - and darn
   disappointed!"

119
"Some day you'll meet the
 girl you really love. Then
    what will you do?"

120
"Where is Allie Monte?"

121
"You go on home, Kelly
 - I'll take care of that
       young man."

122
"You'll never get away
 with that scheme in
 this club. I'll tell them
     who you are!"

123
"Go ahead and tell 'em -- 
        uncle!"

124
"Allie, I've got something
 important to say to you."

125
"You seem worried, Allie.
   What's the matter?"

126
"Everybody is bound to 
 know it sooner or later
 -- so I may as well tell 
          you."

127
"My father has lost all 
       his money."

128
"That's a terrible thing 
       -- awful!"

129
"It's sweet of you to 
 sympathize with father."

130
"Believe me, Allie -- I feel
 as if I'd lost it myself!"

131
"What are you going
    to do now?"

132
"There's only one thing
 a girl like me can do -
    marry for money."

133
"Allie, I'm surprised
  at you - and darn 
    disappointed!"

134
"Some day you'll meet
 the fellow you really 
 love. Then what will
       you do?"

135
"I don't know, Jack.
 Have you forgotten
 what you wanted to
    say to me?"

136
"We're all going over to
 my house for cocktails."

137
"This sure is a sweet-
 running little boat. I'll
 bet it set you back a
 nice piece of change."

138
"I have twelve others.
 You see, I'm ghastly
 rich and I buy them
 just to help the auto 
      salesmen."

139
"Well, Kelly -- it's your
 turn to congratulate 
          me."

140
"Allie has promised to
      marry me!"

141
"I once knew two girls
 who had a double
 wedding. Wasn't that
    romantic?"

142
"Y-y-yes. It saves time."

143
"Step right up, boys,
 and kiss the bride!"

144
"What do you mean by
 neglecting me for that
    Kelly person?"

145
"You never close your
 mouth long enough for
 anybody to see who 
      you are!"

146
"Uncle!"

147
"I'm going home, boss.
 You'll find me in
 the shipping room
 tomorrow morning."

148
"I'm not going to marry
 for money. I thought
 I was the whole maple
 forest, but I'm only
        the sap."

149
"There's just one person
 I want to tell the truth
 to -- then I'll beat it."

150
"Allie -- I --"

151
"Allie -- I --"

152
"You can't marry him,
 Allie! You - you don't 
      love him!"

153
"It's me you love!
 I know it -- you
     know it!"

154
"If it's money you want,
 I've got it, Allie - more
 than Johnson ever
  dreamed of having!"

155
"But I can't, Jack --
  I've promised him!"

156
"You're going to marry
         me --"

157
"-- today -- now!"

158
"When is it coming 
    off, Harry?"

159
"Well, I guess I'll let
  Allie fix the date."

160
"Oh, Jack -- isn't this
 lovely? We're right 
    on the rocks!"

161
"Darling, isn't that yacht
 beautiful? Do you think
   we can afford one?"

162
"Y-y-yes, dear. Put it
 down on your shopping
         list."

163
"I almost forgot. I want
  to send a telegram."

164
"Dearest Daddy: Have
 just married Jack
 Kelly, millionaire
  shipping man --"

165
"If you need anything,
    just wire us."

166
"Why, Jack dear - -
 you've got a lonely
  little gray hair!"

167
"It won't be lonely
       long."

168
"You've been working 
 too hard. From now
 on we're going to live
 on your income and
     play golf."

169
"Y-e-e-s. I'm practically
      retired now."

170
"Let's unpack our
      things."

171
"Er - um - sh - shall
 I turn out the lights?"

172
"Don't you think you'd
 better pull down the
       shades?"

173
"What's your father
 like? Is he in the
 shipping business
       too?"

174
	"Yeah - he handles
	 a lot of big stuff."

175
"Jack dear, would you
 mind living at the
 Ritz this year instead
 of opening a town
       house?"

176
	"No, I wouldn't
	     mind."

177
"You don't know what
 a relief it is not to
 have to worry about
       money."

178
	"Yeah -- it must be."

179
"Whatever did I do
 with my nightgown?"

180
	"Search me!"

181
	"Want me to turn
	 on the light?"

182
"Don't you dare!"

183
"I've found it!"

184
	"Thank goodness!"

185
"How would you like to
 spend our honeymoon
       abroad?"

186
	"Just dandy."

187
"I'll turn on the light
 now, dear, if you are
         ready."

188
	"I'm ready."

189
"Allie, I love you too
 much. I've deceived
 you and I can't go
  through with it!"

190
"Have you got another
 wife -- or something?"

191
"I lied to you. I haven't
 any money - I'm nothing
 but a shipping clerk!"

192
"Mr. Waters isn't my
 uncle -- I just work
      for him."

193
"I suppose you thought
 it was clever to deceive 
          me!"

194
"Allie - I - I was so crazy
 about you I just couldn't
         help it."

195
"Please leave me --
 I'd like to be alone."

196
"Wait a minute -- don't
     order me out!"

197
"Mr. Kelly, I command you
   to leave this room!"

198
"Mrs. Kelly, you couldn't
 dynamite me out of
     this room!"

199
"I suppose you are the
 kind of person who
 would take advantage
 of a situation like this."

200
"Allie, if you'll just give
 me a chance -- -- I'll
  make good for you!"

201
"I saw him leaving, Allie.
 I'm glad you got rid of
       that cad!"

202
"Well, niece, didn't I tell
 you that good-for-nothing
 wanted to marry you for
      your money?"

203
"On the contrary, Uncle
 David, he thought I didn't
        have any."

204
"Anyway, we can have
 this marriage annulled
 - and no harm done."

205
"Not for anything in
 the world! He's my
      husband!"

206
"That young scamp 
 always did want to
   be my nephew!"

207
"For Mrs. Kelly."

208
"Please -- I want to
     be alone."

209
"This is the last hole,
 and Jack's got him on 
        the run!"

210
"That boy is my nephew."

211
"He's my son!"

212
"He couldn't help that,
 but he picked me for
      his uncle!"

The End

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