The Saphead

1
A little street where
money is everything-
  and everything
     is money.

2
Nicholas Van Alstyne-
known, loved, and
feared as "The Old
Nick of 'The Street.'" 

3
Old Nick's very private
secretary -- "Mr. Musgrave."

4
"You tell him that Jim Hardy
  from Arizona is here."

5
"I used to pal with this old
      boy out west."

6
"What the blazes brought 
    you east, Jim?"

7
"The Henrietta mine -- she's
the all-fired biggest propo-
sition I ever seen."

8
"Jim, you know more about
a mine than anybody on
earth -- except me --"

9
"I want a broker -- send for
      Watson Flint."

10
"If you say the Henrietta is 
that big -- watch me gamble 
on her!"

11
Mark Turner had succeeded
in marrying Old Nick's
daughter -- but had never
succeeded at anything else.

12
His morning mail as usual
was all bills and no 
business.

13
"There's a girl outside that 
wants to see you personal."

14
"Your wife's outside, sir."

15
"Go back and tell her she'll 
hear from me in a day or 
two."

16
"I came to invite you
     to lunch."

17
"I'm afraid you'd find me 
    rotten company."

18
"I work like a dog, Rose --
but I don't get anywhere."

19
"Your father's commissions
are worth a fortune to a
broker -- but he never
gives me an order."

20
"I'll have a talk with Dad
about you -- when he gets 
home this afternoon."

21
Old Nick's castle.

22
Bertie Van Alstyne, Esquire,
his father's hope and pride,
breakfasts early -- in the
afternoon.

23
"I want to talk to you about
the way you treat Mark."

24
"You keep away --
I'll see her, and try
to get your letters 
     back."

25
"If you'll stop talking I'll see
what I can do for your 
Mark."

26
Bertie had been in love for 
years and decided something
must be done about it.

27
Nick's ward, Agnes, was the
girl Bertie loved. He had
confided this to his sister and
his valet -- but had never
mentioned it to her.

28
"Agnes has telegraphed
that she's coming 
home from school today."

29
"Don't get excited ----
you'll have plenty of 
time to meet her ---
the train doesn't arrive
    until 6:30."

30
"What's happened to you 
lately? Getting home at
daylight and having
a picture of Henrietta, the 
dancer, in your room--"

31
"I am leading a fast life
because I am in love
with Agnes."

32
Agnes was to arrive at the
Grand Central -- so Bertie
went to meet her at the
Pennsylvania.

33
Six-thirty at the Grand 
       Central.

34
Agnes was an orphan --
whom Nick has brought up
  as his own child.

35
"Nobody met me."

36
"The saphead! I suppose he 
  forgot all about you."

37
"Ask Hutchins to let me
know as soon as Mr.
Bertie comes in."

38
"Mr. Bertie is never home
before three in the morn-
ing, Miss."

39
"I was waiting for someone 
 -- but she didn't come."

40
The Gay White Way
failing to cheer
Bertie - his friends
try the side streets.

41
"I'm having rotten luck --
lend me a couple of
thousand."

42
"Are those things worth two
    thousand dollars?"

43
"What are they made of?"

44
"I'm awfully tired of this --
would you mind very much
if I stop?"

45
"Your winnings, Mr. V.
-- thirty-eight thousand."

46
"Are you quite sure you 
    can spare it?"

47
Bertie sees a chance 
to get a real 
reputation as a 
   sport --

48
"Will you see to arresting 
      me, please?"

49
Morning

50
"But they might come and 
   take him to jail!"

51
"Is it true you were in that 
     dreadful place?"

52
"I was there because I 
     love Agnes."

53
"If you love Agnes, why 
 didn't you meet her?"

54
"I did -- but she didn't come."

55
"Bertie -- you've changed 
        somehow."

56
"I heard you tell Rose that
you loved me -- and I love 
you, too."

57
"I've tricked you into loving 
me -- when you know the 
truth I'm afraid you won't 
care for me any more."

58
"Tell me --"

59
"I'm good!"

60
"I've tried my best to get 
over it -- but I can't -- and I
still kneel down and say my 
prayers every morning --
before I go to bed."

61
"Bertie, who is Henrietta?"

62
"I bought her picture-
but I never met her."

63
"Agnes, you'd better go."

64
"You've got to get out and 
shift for yourself -- this is
the last check you'll get 
from me!"

65
"How can you be so cruel!
I love Bertie, whether you
do or not, and I'm going
to be his wife!"

66
"If you've had the impert-
inence to ask Agnes to 
marry you--"

67
"-- I suppose I've got to give 
     you a little more."

68
"Not another cent!"

69
"Not another word about 
marrying Agnes until
you go to work ----
and make something
of yourself!"

70
Poor Bertie--
cut off with a
million -- moved
into humble
quarters at
the Ritz.

71
Watson Flint --
Nick's broker, and a 
friend of the family.

72
"I've got to go into business 
like you and Mark Turner."

73
"I bought a seat on the Stock 
Exchange for a hundred 
thousand dollars."

74
"A hundred thousand dollars
       for a seat?"

75
"Well, furniture is way 
    up now-a-days."

76
"I want to show you an
   engagement ring."

77
"You asked me to look 
    after it, sir."

78
"If father won't let us marry,
perhaps you'll keep it to 
remember me by."

79
"No matter what Uncle Nick 
says, I'll marry you when-
ever you want me --"

80
"We can't now, Bertie
-- we must make 
arrangements first --
let's say next Tuesday!"

81
"Leon, we're to be married
secretly Tuesday evening --
please make all the arrange-
ments."

82
"It would be a wonderful 
surprise for her -- if
we could only get it 
ready in time."

83
"We must!"

84
You can never be sure a
woman will be on time --
even for her wedding.

85
"I'm going to marry Bertie
        tonight."

86
"But, Agnes -- you mustn't 
run away -- we'll have the 
wedding here!"

87
"Get out one of her little
white dresses -- and she
can wear my wedding veil."

88
"I'll manage father, and send 
for the Reverend Murray 
Hilton."

89
"I took you into 
business because Rose 
wanted me to -- and
you're making good!"

90
"I've given you power
of attorney because I'm
going on a cruise
Wednesday and you'll be
in charge while I'm away."

91
"Bertie and Agnes are going 
 to be married tonight --"

92
"Perhaps they've locked
        her up."

93
"All right -- let 'em be married
in here -- or down cellar --
or on the roof --"

94
"-- but I won't see them."

95
"I have called for Agnes."

96
"I'm through with you --"

97
"-- and as for Agnes, she
has disobeyed me --"

98
"Now ask Bertie to 
   forgive you."

99
"We're going to be 
  married here!"

100
"Anything else?"

101
"I'll put one in every pocket
-- then when the minister 
asks me -- there you are!"

102
"If I die -- promise me you'll 
put these into Mrs. Turner's 
hands."

103
"I want Mrs. Turner!"

104
"Henrietta is dead -- and I
gave her my sacred word
I'd put these into your hands."

105
"I'm sorry this blow has 
come, Rose -- I've tried to 
keep it from you --"

106
"Bertie, these belong 
to you ---- they're 
from Henrietta."

107
Bertie's valet had
planned a great
surprise for the
bridal couple.

108
Tortured by thoughts
of Agnes -- Bertie
hopes a visit to the
Stock Exchange may
help him to forget.

109
"This is a new member 
-- Mr. Van Alstyne."

110
"Mr. Turner wants to see you 
at Mr. Van Alstyne's office right
away."

111
"Do all these seats cost a
hundred thousand dollars?"

112
Knowing that the truth 
about Henrietta Reynolds 
must soon come to light,
Mark has induced Nick 
to go on his yachting 
  trip as planned.

113
With Nick out of 
the way, Mark sees 
a chance to clean up 
a fortune before his 
actions with Henrietta 
Reynolds are discovered.

114
"Mr. Van Alstyne notified 
you that I would be in com-
plete authority here during 
his absence -- ?"

115
"I want you to sell 'Henrietta
Mine' until you have
knocked the price down
fifty points!"

116
"I can't accept a commission 
of that size without security."

117
"Great heavens, Turner! --
these securities belong to 
your father-in-law!"

118
"While he is away they 
      are mine."

119
Bertie's introduction to the 
Floor grows more and more 
informal.

120
"All they do here is knock 
off hats -- but I enjoy it -- 
it occupies the mind."

121
"I'm going out to get
some new ones so I 
can play it again."

122
The raid on
Henrietta.

123
"They've started a raid on 
'Henrietta' -- you ought to be 
on the Floor!"

124
"When I want your advice 
  I'll send for you!"

125
"Mr. Tildon of the National 
     City is here."

126
"Mr. Van Alstyne won't
return for a week -- and
Mr. Turner is in charge."

127
"Tell Turner if we don't re-
ceive collateral by three
o'clock we'll be forced to
throw Van Alstyne's hold-
ings on the market!"

128
"Thank God you've come, sir!"

129
"Thank God!
I was seasick--"

130
"Call up Mr. Tildon -- and
send to the Stock Exchange
for Mark Turner!"

131
"Mr. Turner hasn't been on 
    the Floor today!"

132
"Mark Turner is 
responsible for 
this raid, sir."

133
"Because he's a cheat-
I found out he was 
responsible for that
Henrietta girl, and put
the blame on Mr. Bertie-"

134
"I'm sorry to hurry you -- but
it's two-thirty, and your
securities must be in the
bank before the market closes."

135
"It's almost three
o'clock. There's nothing 
on earth I can do."

136
"You're too late. Flint's on
the Floor now, knocking the
last breath out of the 'Hen-
rietta' -- and I can buy your
holdings for next to nothing!"

137
"Get the police!"

138
"All the police in the world 
can't prevent your losing
control of the Henrietta Mine
when the gong rings in the 
Stock Exchange!"

139 [text at 90 degree angle:]
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA

140
HENRIETTA!
HENRIETTA!
HENRIETTA!

141 [text at 90 degree angle:]
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA

142
"Sir, you're insulting me!--
and I demand that you stop 
yelling that woman's name!"

143
HENRIETTA!

144
"They're all yelling that
woman's name at me --
and I can't make them 
stop!"

145
"Bertie, listen! -- I'll tell you
something that will stop
them!"

146
"Every time you hear a man 
yelling 'Henrietta' -- you grab
him and say -- 'I TAKE IT'!"

147
It seems to Bertie 
that the whole Stock 
Exchange is taunting 
him by yelling 
Henrietta's name.

148
"She's up forty
     points and
     going like
     a rocket!"

149
"I've been saved, Flint!
-- saved by a miracle!"

150
"It was no miracle -- it was 
Bertie! He's the latest 
member of the Stock 
Exchange!"

151
"He's bought a cottage on
Long Island -- this is his
address."

152
"I have been on the Floor of
   the Stock Exchange."

153
"Why, my boy -- you've 
 saved 'Henrietta'!"

154
"I mean the Henrietta 
mine! Now get dressed,
because I've sent for 
Agnes and the minister."

THE END

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