The Nut

1
 Our theme is Love.
The unquenchable love 
of a man for a maid.

2
 Our lover is an inven-
tor. He invents ways of
pleasing his girl and then
he invents ways of getting
out of the trouble caused
by his inventions.

3
 But - whatever he
does - it is all for

4
HER

5
      Chapter I.
 In which we introduce 
our hero -

6
 He isn't lazy. He's 
just different and eccen-
tric - but then - so were
Christopher Columbus -
Sir Isaac Newton - Lydia
Pinkham - and Ponzi.

7
 Maybe necessity is
the mother of inven-
tion --- but the father 
of these is a nut.

8
"Good morning, roses ---"

9
 By the way --- all this is
taking place on the second
floor of a Greenwich Village
apartment house. On the
third floor of the same apart-
ment house lives THE GIRL
--- Estrell Wynn --- the girl
Charlie is crazy about -

10
 "What are you 
doing down there?"

11
 "Life is all give and take.
We get a kick out of the 
flowers. Maybe they get a 
kick out of us. Who knows?"

12
"'But soft! What light through 
    yonder window breaks?
It is the east and Juliet is 
    the sun ---'"

13
 "You are the love-
liest flower of all. Do
I please you?"

14
"Perhaps - a little."

15
 "You do care!
That's what I wanted 
to find out."

16
 "Pouf! I'd show 
that much concern 
over a puppy."

17
 "How are the kiddies?
It's wonderful of you to 
do these things! And
we're going to put your
idea over - surely."

18
 For the girl that
Charlie is crazy 
about is crazy about
a theory -

19
 She believes that homes
radiate a constructive influ-
ence and that a group of
slum children brought into
a refined home for an hour 
each day will become good
citizens - just like that.

20
"See you to-night."

21
 An endless chain of
persons to open and end-
less chain of refined 
homes to an endless
chain of children - that's
Estrell's little idea.

22
 This is a gambling
house on West Eighth
Street - one of those high
class joints, you know.

23
 This guy is Philip 
Feeney. He's a hard-
boiled gink and crooked
as the Gulf Stream.

24
 He has horned his 
way into Greenwich Vil-
lage society where his true 
character is unsuspected.
Estrell is one of the girls 
he is crazy about.

25
 "Yes - this is the night
of Mr. Jackson's party.
Be sure to come. I know
he's going to win converts
to my cause."

26
"See you to-night."

27
 So now we know our 
principal characters --- the
man - the maid - the gambler 
- and the jealous woman.
Our story begins at the 
party given by Charlie to
interest some more people 
in Estrell's theory. Let's go!

28
 "We are gathered to 
honor the most adorable
girl in the world. You
know the work to which
she devotes her life ---"

29
 "Open your homes!
Who will volunteer?"

30
 "I'm glad you like
the party so far - and
I've got a lot of sur-
prises coming ---"

31
 "When I press this 
button the room will 
be filled with incense."

32
 "The first button 
turns out the lights 
and the next starts 
the fireworks."

33
 "You're like a ship with-
out a rudder. When are
you going to have a sincere 
purpose in life?"

34
 "You are my pur-
pose --- you are my
career - my life."

35
 "Now, folks, if you'll
just be seated, I'm going
to put on a little show
for you."

36
 "Isn't he a sweet
old silly?"

37
 "He's a nut! He
starts well - but let's
watch the finish."

38
 "With your kind
indulgence, I shall give
a series of impersona-
tions. My first ---
Napoleon Bonaparte."

39
 "Next - General
U. S. Grant."

40
"Abraham Lincoln."

41
"General Tom Thumb."

42
 "You give a so 
wonderful party!"

43
As a sleep producer
Charlie's Incense has
it all over a trip to
Philadelphia.

44
 "You can't go home 
looking like that. You'll 
be arrested."

45
 "I re-pu-di-ate you!
Get out of my life -
forever!"

46
 "Everything was 
going so well and 
now it's all spoiled.
I'm so disappointed."

47
 "I just want to 
say - come down to 
my place and meet 
some real people."

48
 "She won't get very 
far with her theory if 
she's going to let that 
idiot run things."

49
 Charlie's only thought 
is to get to Estrell and
plead for forgiveness -

50
"You must put him in jail!"

51
 "A night in the 
police station will 
be good for him."

52
 Desperately
resolved to get up-
stairs to HER -

53
 "Jailer, please call up
Miss Wynn, Gramercy 35.
Tell her I'm heartbroken
about this - I adore her -
I think she's wonderful -
and - just say 'honeybunch'
at the end."

54
 "Please call up Miss 
Wynn, Gramercy 35, 
and tell her I'm heart-
broken about this --- 
I adore her - I think she's 
wonderful - and - just say 
'honeybunch' at the end."

55
"No spik English."

56
 When Feeney gets 
back to his gambling 
house, his thoughts, too,
are all for a girl -

57
 "Gentleman George," crook,
arrested for speeding -

58
 "May I introduce my-
self? Name is Jackson -
grand-nephew of Andrew 
Jackson - known as Old 
Hickory."

59
 "My name is Van-
derbrook - cousin of
Pernelius and Albert
Lynn Vanderbrook."

60
 Being on room-
ing terms with a 
Vanderbrook gives
Charlie an idea -

61
 He expounds
Estrell's theory -

62
 "So you see I've just
got to square myself. I'll
give you twenty-five hun-
dred dollars for any charity
you like if you'll get some
of the real society people
to help her."

63
 "Cousin Pernelius,
Vincent Castor and
August Delmont will
be at my house to-
morrow afternoon. 
I might introduce you."

64
 "If you get out before
I do, please call up Miss 
Wynn, Gramercy 35. Tell 
her I'm heartbroken --- 
I adore her - I think she's 
wonderful - and - just say 
'honeybunch' at the end."

65
 De-jailed and anxious
to re-establish himself in
Estrell's good graces -

66
 "Every castle I build
for you I seem to kick
over. Please say you for-
give me for last night."

67
 "I've the most 
wonderful surprise 
for you."

68
"Another one?"

69
 "To-night I shall have 
Pernelius Vanderbrook,
Vincent Castor and
August Delmont down-
stairs in my apartment -
for you to talk to.

70
 De-jailed, "Gentleman
George" plans his dirty
work. At Feeney's, too,
strange as it may seem.

71
 "You fellows do 
this and we'll split 
the proceeds."

72
 "I just called up
to say I love you -
I adore you - I think
you're wonderful -
you honeybunch!"

73
 "You bet! American
beauties for an American
beauty. Send them to
Estrell Wynn."

74
"Mr. Jackson, sah."

75
 "Yes, they're
all here. Is the
little fund for 
charity here?"

76
"Mr. Vincent Castor."

77
 "Mr. Pernelius Vanderbrook
and Mr. August Delmont."

78
 The best thing 
Charlie does is to 
explain Estrell's
theory -

79
 "Murphy, I want 
you to decide a bet."

80
"This is a frame-up!"

81
 "I wanted you to meet 
some pals of mine, so we 
put up this little game on 
you. Here's your money."

82
 "That's the idea, 
old top, and I'm glad
to know you."

83
 "And I'm glad 
to know you - in
your true colors."

84
 "That bird is engaged
to the skirt I've been 
telling you about."

85
 "Then your goose 
is cooked with her!"

86
 "Aw - I'll be leading
her around here with a
string - in a day or two."

87
 "That fellow 
has twenty-five
hundred dollars in
his vest pocket."

88
 "Something has 
happened - I must 
tell you about it."

89
 "I'm so thrilled. I'm
learning my speech by 
heart ...... I couldn't
endure another disap-
pointment."

90
 An effort to 
get to the real 
Vanderbrook -

91
 "I'd like to speak to
Mr. Vanderbrook."

92
 "Have you an
appointment?"

93
 "Then it will be 
impossible to see 
him. This is the 
hour he usually goes 
for a walk."

94
Two blocks later -

95
 "I'm in a terrible pickle.
I don't want to disappoint 
a young lady and I've got 
to get a man to imperson-
ate Pernelius Vanderbrook
- just for to-night ----"

96
Warren's Wax Works.

97
 "Closing time?
Oh, that will be 
all right."

98
"Where's the manager?"

99
 "I have a wonder-
ful watch --- worth a
thousand dollars - I'd
like to trade for some
of your wax figures."

100
 "We're not 
in that business."

101
 "Seven o'clock.
Everybody out."

102
 "Say, Clancy, I saw
a mysterious man - all
dressed up - carrying a
body through the street."

103
 "---- it may be 
the same fellow who
terrorized this district
last year."

104
 "Take a detail of
men and spread a
dragnet over Green-
wich Village."

105
 Eight o'clock creeps
up to Estrell's window,
peeps in, and finds her
ready to meet Charlie's
guests ----

106
"Just a second, dear."

107
 "---- and now
Miss Wynn wants 
to talk to you a 
few minutes ----"

108
 "Gentlemen......
The influence of a 
beautiful home is like 
the fragrance of a
beautiful flower ----"

109
 "My dear young lady,
why don't you marry this 
young fellow, Jackson, and
have a home of your own in
which to entertain children?"

110
 "Honeybunch, I wouldn't
hurt you for the world. I
didn't want to disappoint you
- I just wanted to tide over
until I could reach the real
people. I was desperate."

111
 "You make a joke of 
my most sacred feelings.
Don't try to see me ----
don't talk to me. I - I'll
never forgive you."

112
 There is nothing in the 
world that will affect sleep 
like a heartache. The beau-
ties of the universe seem to
fade. Visions of the future
sink into oblivion. In other
words ---- Charlie has had a
rotten night.

113
 "I'll do anything - I'll
go to a reform school
or an insane asylum -
anywhere - if you'll only 
see me again."

114
 The office of the 
New York Sphere where
Pernelius Vanderbrook, 
Junior, is breaking in as
a cub reporter.

115
 "Say, Vanderbrook, a man 
with a silk hat has been seen 
carrying bodies through the 
streets down Greenwich 
Village way. See if you can
get the story. It's a good 
chance for you."

116
 Staging a parade 
with Estrell's pet
group of children -
hoping to soften her 
heart -

117
 "That guy paid 
me five dollars to 
bump into you."

118
 "Bring in anyone 
you find wearing a
high hat and a cut-
away coat."

119
 "We'll have
dinner upstairs."

120
 "Don't let anybody
nose around ----"

121
 "---- and if that
woman in there gets
wild - choke her."

122
 "Are we early?
Surely the others 
will be here soon?"

123
 "I've got to see
that man with the 
top hat. My name 
is Vanderbrook."

124
"Vanderbrook!"

125
"Throw up your hands!"

126
 "You've got me wrong.
I'm a reporter - my paper
sent me after a story."

127
 "There's a report
at police headquarters
that you were seen
carrying a body through
the streets."

128
 "Gee whiz! I 
thought you were 
here to talk about 
banana peels."

129
 "So you see I got
in this mess trying to
make good with HER.
I'm crazy to marry her."

130
 "Holy cats! This
wax figure stuff is a
scream. Have you
told anyone else?"

131
 "Some story! If
I can get a scoop on
it I'll do a whole lot
for you. Gosh, you're 
wonderful!"

132
 "Will you get 
your friends to let 
my sweetheart use 
their homes?"

133
 "Hide those wax
figures. I'll stave off 
the police."

134
 "I tell you we'll do
our own looking."

135
 "Mr. Feeney is giving
a dinner for Miss Wynn
- at his home."

136
 "I'll call up my 
paper and meet 
you at Feeney's in 
ten minutes."

137
 "You're all under 
arrest. Line up there!
Where's Feeney?"

138
 "We want that 
fellow who is imper-
sonating an officer."

139
 "Gambling house, eh?
We can kill two birds
with the same stone.
You're all under arrest."

140
 "Say, officer. The
boss of this joint is on
the second floor with 
a yellow-haired jane.
First door on the right 
hand corridor."

141
A signal ----

142
 "Go upstairs and 
get the boss and the 
dame. The more 
names we have in 
the paper, the better!"

143
 "You good old 
wonderful you!"

144
 "Will you take this 
man to be your wedded 
husband?"

145
 "Will you love, honor
and obey him?"

146
 "Excuse me just 
a second, judge."

147
 "I beg your pardon,
I thought you were a 
friend of mine."

148
"Two, please."

149
 "Say, judge, will
you please finish 
what you started?"

150
 "There's nothing left
to do but to pronounce
you man and wife."

151
 "---- and the sentence
is a lifetime of happiness."

152
       The End of the Nut

          COPYRIGHT 1921
DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS PICTURES CORPORATION

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