Hands Up!

1
An historical incident,
   with variations.

2
June 10th, 1864, after the
    Confederate victory at
Cold Harbor, the Union faced
its darkest hour. The National
Debt was nearly two billion
dollars and Lincoln's cabinet
was on the verge of despair.

3
 "Mr. President - the treasury
is depleted - Europe refuses
further loans - we must get
money - or admit defeat!"

4
 "Pinkerton, what news
have you?"

5
 "It's the richest mine in
the world! The Union will
have all the gold it needs!"

6
 "Have you a man who
can be trusted to get this
gold to us?"

7
 "Mr. President, this is Captain
Edward Logan. You can rely on 
him."

8
 "Captain, the fate of the 
Union is in your hands!"

9
 "Gentlemen - this is a 
secret between the three 
of us!"

10
 "Start at once and bring back
the first shipment of gold your-
self. Let nothing detain you -
a wasted moment may mean 
disaster."

11
 "Gentlemen, our worries
will soon be over!"

12
"We need your best man, sir!"

13
 "Young man, I have a
dangerous commission for 
you. Are you ready to face
death?"

14
 "There's a mine in Nevada
on which the Union relies for
its gold."

15
 "If Lincoln gets it, the
South will be defeated!"

16
 "You must get that gold 
to us, or destroy it."

17
 "My boy, the fate of the 
South is in your hands."

18
 "If I don't come back,
send the medals to my
mamma!"

19
 "This is a secret between 
the three of us!"

20
"The two of us, Sir!"

21
And so, two messengers
 sped westward for the
same purpose, one for the
North - one for the South.

22
"How far to Fort Laramie?"

23
"Four horses, sir!"

24
Fort Laramie - the
   last Union outpost.

25
"Spy!"

26
 "Captain, we've caught a spy!
We want the firing squad!"

27
"Hang him!"

28
"Shoot him!"

29
 "Pardon me - this is strictly
a private execution."

30
 "Bring him here and
tie him up!"

31
 "Where's the commanding
officer?"

32
 "He's over there - shooting
a spy!"

33
"Where's my fresh horse?"

34
 "Don't bother me! Can't 
you see we're shooting at
something?"

35
 "Oh, you're the man 
from Lincoln!"

36
 "I apologize Captain -
mistakes will happen -
even in the army!"

37
"Get the Captain a horse!"

38
 "No man can steal Silas
Woodstock's horse and live
to warm the saddle!"

39
 "Great Scott! Are you
Woodstock - the mine
owner?"

40
 "I'll go out to my mine
with you."

41
 "I'll send you back with
so much gold they can use
it for cannon balls!"

42
 "How do you intend getting
it back to Lincoln?"

43
"Is our Papa aboard?"

44
 "Hey, there's a couple of
girls here looking for their
Papa!"

45
 "Oh, my girls! I nearly
forgot them!"

46
 "Captain Logan, meet
my daughters!"

47
 "Let's stay up here where 
we can talk freely!"

48
 "You're each going to
marry a dark man!"

49
 "I'm sorry if I have
offended you."

50
"We haven't been introduced!"

51
 "It's only Papa trying
to shoot rabbits!"

52
"Papa is shooting at 
rabbits again!"

53
"It's a bee!"

54
"I don't believe in ghosts!"

55
"We saw a ghost once!"

56
"Now girls, stop tickling!"

57
Nevada!
  The Woodstock Mines
- the last hope of the
Union Army.

58
 "Here's a statement of our
first shipment of gold."

59
 "The commander wants
to know when you expect
to leave."

60
"At once."

61
 "The stage is loaded with gold,
and all ready to leave, sir."

62
"Wait a minute!"

63
"Unload that stage-coach!"

64
 "That's what you get for
leaving me to get my feet
barbecued!"

65
 "What are your feet compared
to our country's fate?"

66
"Load it on again!"

67
 "And now I'm off to Lincoln
with the first shipment of gold!"

68
"He forgot something."

69
 "I don't like these self-
emptying bags!"

70
 "Oh, you haven't met my
new superintendent!"

71
"Marse Jack - how's Virginia?"

72
"Oh - ah - she's all right!"

73
 "He's speaking about an
old sweetheart of mine."

74
 "'Virginia' sounds more like
a Southern state, than a girl!"

75
 "You've never heard of a
girl named Massachusetts,
have you?"

76
 "Don't mention the South
around here again. From
now on I'm an Eskimo!"

77
 "Would you like to see
 the mine?"

78
 "Woodstock, I believe 
your new superintendent
is a spy!"

79
 "How dare you insult the
man who saved me from 
being scalloped!"

80
 "This is the richest vein 
of gold in the world!"

81
 "That's a yellow streak I
wouldn't mind having!"

82
 "Call all the men out, I'm 
going to blow them to a raise!"

83
 "The only hope of the Union 
has been blasted!"

84
 "Blasted is right and unless
I'm a bad guesser, you had
something to do with it!"

85
"Has anything happened?"

86
 "Ah'm sho' glad you got
out o' dat mine in time!"

87
 "You will both pay with 
your lives for your conspiracy
against the Union!"

88
 "Boss, the explosion opened
up a new gold vein a yard 
wide!"

89
 "You keep your nose out of 
our business. We will dig the
gold - all you have to do is
to take it to Lincoln!"

90
 "There's enough gold there 
to make a miser careless!"

91
 "Hurry suh! Dat stage
am loaded!"

92
"See if the road is clear."

93
"Jack!"

94
 "Oh, I feared you were
killed in the explosion!"

95
"Aren't you sweet!"

96
"Would you marry me?"

97
"I'll have to ask Papa."

98
"Jack!"

99
 "Oh, I feared you were
killed in the explosion!"

100
"Aren't you sweet!"

101
"Would you marry me?"

102
"I'll have to ask Papa."

103
 "Just as a matter of form, 
I'd like to see your credentials."

104
"Bandits!"

105
 "Bravo my boy, you saved
the gold from the worst out-
law gang in the West!"

106
"Where are my credentials?"

107
"You damn spy!"

108
 "If you delay me again,
I'll blow you out from under
your hat!"

109
"Arrest this man!"

110
"Who are you?"

111
"Captain Logan!"

112
 "You sure fooled me - So
you're Captain Logan!"

113
"I'm off at last!"

114
"I'll go with you!"

115
 "Our men are waiting down 
the road to help you get the 
gold South!"

116
"At ease - men!"

117
"I see you got him!"

118
"He's the spy!"

119
 "This is a military procedure.
He will be court-martialed and
shot!"

120
"Hands up!"

121
"Papa, you can't hang him!"

122
"He's my husband!"

123
 "I'll shoot the first man
who pulls that rope! This
is a family affair!"

124
"Papa, you can't hang him!"

125
"He's my husband!"

126
 "Sufferin' Jehosophat!
A Bigamist!"

127
"Quick - get the stage-coach!"

128
"Aren't you happy?"

129
 "I love you both! What 
are we going to do?"

130
 "Well, well! If it isn't Mae 
and Alice Woodstock!"

131
"Where's your Papa?"

132
 "My dear, you remember 
the Woodstock girls?"

133
 "May I present my 
wife, Anna?"

134
"My wife, Grace."

135
"My wife, Jane."

136
"My wife, Mary."

137
"And my wife, Helen."

138
 "You say they're all
your wives?"

139
 "Why, young man, I am
happily married to nineteen
beautiful women!"

140
"Who is he?"

141
"Brigham Young!"

THE END


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