The Farmer's Wife

1
"... and don't forget to
 air your Master's pants,
        'Minta."

2
"He'll be the next to
 wed now his daughter's
       marryin'."

3
"Why not? There's some-
 thing magical in the
 married state ... it have
 a beautiful side, Churdles
          Ash."

4
"Beer drinking don't do
 'alf the 'arm of love-
        making."

5
"If I were the Government,
 I'd give the drunkards a
 rest and look after the
         lovers."

6
"I've seed the Master 'ave
 'is eye on a woman or
      two of late."

7
"To see an old man in
 love be worse than
 seeing him with the
  whooping cough!"

8
"Holy Matrimony be a proper
 steam roller for flattening
 the hope out of a man
 and the joy out of a
        woman."

9
"... and there be many
 here who have oft been
 wishful of a partner ..."

10
"... and the need of a
 strong man to lean 
       against."

11
"Now don't forget, dear
 Mr. Sweetland, you are
 coming to my little
 affair next Thursday ..."

12
"... and may Mr. Ash
 stand at the door and
 announce the guests? ...
 I have a livery he can
       put on."

13
"I must take time by the
 forelock, 'Minta, else I'll
 be a lonely man soon."

14
"'Twas my late dear Tibby's
 last wish that in the
 fulness of time I would
 take another .... but she
 didn't name no names."

15
"There's a female or two
 be floating around my
 mind like the smell of
   a Sunday dinner."

16
"Get pencil and paper,
 'Minta, and us'll run
 over the possibles and
     impossibles!"

17
"You know her back
 view's not a day over
      thirty!"

18
"But, you have to live
 with her front view."

19
"How about Thirza Tapper?"

20
"I don't mind they pillowy
 women ... so long as they
 be pillowy in the right
         places."

21
"A woman that's a pillow
 at thirty be often a
 feather bed at forty!"

22
"Just put down Mercy
 Bassett of the Royal
    Oak for luck."

23
"'Tis almost indecent to
 see 'em all on one bit 
       of paper."

24
"There's no need to wish
 me luck - Louisa Windeatt
 will come like a lamb to
     the slaughter."

25
"The widow herself!"

26
"What brings you up my
   hill, Sweetland?"

27
"I come over like the foxes
 you're so fond of .... to
    pick up a fat hen!"

28
"Wait till you hear me ...
 and then there'll be some-
    thing to drink."

29
"I be marryin' again,
       Louisa."

30
"Then the fat hen you
 want .... is it for the
  wedding breakfast?"

31
"You're the first to know
 your good luck, my
      dear - -"

32
"- - - and I am a man
 that a little child can lead
 but a regiment of soldiers
    couldn't drive."

33
"Yes be a very short
        word."

34
"But there's a shorter ..."

35
"I am not the sort of
 woman for you - I am
 far too independent."

36
"You'll only feel the velvet
 glove and never know
 I was breaking you in."

37
"Don't think that I shall
 come up your darned
     hill again!"

38
"And you haven't treated
 me in a very ladylike
 spirit over this job ....
 you ain't nice-minded!"

39
"And it's no use changing
 your mind ..... you've
 brought your doom on
       yourself."

40
"Don't let that fox-hunting
 old baggage, Louisa Windeatt,
 come into this house no 
          more."

41
"It was very kind of you
 to come and help us,
 'Minta .... and you too,
        Mr. Ash."

42
"The party ain't begun
       yet, sir."

43
"Do you want me to
 do the plums before
  the ices, then?"

44
"Now some men look
 for a bit of fat on a
     female ..."

45
"Hang it, Thirza Tapper,
 I'm asking you to marry
          me!"

46
"I'm a man a little child
 can lead, through a regiment
     of soldiers ..."

47
"Rise, dear Samuel Sweetland."

48
"You are the first man
 who has accepted my
   sex challenge!"

49
"But I shall never seek
 the shelter of a man's
 arms - not even yours."

50
"How was I to know the
 ices would melt if I left
  them near the fire!"

51
"I ain't the party, George!"

52
"Here's the Doctor and
       his wife."

53
"'Tis all as perfect as
 a railway refreshment
         room."

54
"His Worship the Parson,
 and his mother .... the
      Hon. Missus."

55
"They must be the glee-
       singers!"

56
"Will all those who have
 finished, please pass into
      the garden."

57
"Fruit ... fruit in the garden,
            please."

58
"Mary Hearn, I'm marrying 
          again."

59
"That's funny, a fortune-
 teller told me I'd be
 married inside a year!"

60
"I bet I can tell you
     who he is!"

61
"You ... you, at your age!"

62
"Well, you don't want
 to marry a boy, do
        you?"

63
"Why not? 'Tis a way
 with girls to marry boys,
      isn't it?"

64
"Have you got the face
 to call yourself a girl?"

65
"What the mischief should
  I call myself, then?"

66
"Full blown and a bit over ...
  that's what I call you!"

67
"The trouble with you is,
 you are too fond of
 dressing your mutton
    lamb fashion."

68
"Is this a nightmare?"

69
"Your hat is."

70
"You old sheep ..... to
 come to a woman in 
 all her prime and beauty."

71
"Don't you think you
 were the first, 'cause
     you wasn't!"

72
"Guy Fawkes and Angels,
 what's Sammy doing to
    Postmistress?"

73
"But what was you doing,
         Sammy?"

74
"I bain't be chasing any
 more women - I shan't
   finish the list."

75
"It's like that Mercy Bassett
 of the Royal Oak, will be
 the same as the rest of
         'em."

76
"I'm ashamed of Samuel
 Sweetland, offering himself
 at sale prices all round
      the country."

77
"It's a disgrace to us males
 that he can sink to go
 among 'em hat in hand ...
 only to be laughed at for
       his pains!"

78
"Get my horse saddled!"

79
"My other coat!"

80
"Get on with you, I believe
     you're in love!"

81
"Us be drawing turnips
 a'ready. Proper master-
 pieces - so round and
 white as a woman's 
       bosom!"

82
"After your outrageous
 behaviour I wish to hold
 no conversation with
 you...other than official."

83
"No man would even trouble
 to get you into hysterics,
 you pinnicking little grey
         rat!"

84
"Know this - I might have
 been a wife .... the wife
 of a high-minded and most
 worthy man, Mr. Samuel
       Sweetland."

85
"Prove it Tabby Tapper."

86
"... and I'll lay if he 'aven't
 got her, he'll come back
 in a proper tantrum, mark
            me!"

87
"'Tis all over, 'Minta -
     I'm done for!"

88
"Every time I've had to
 creep off with my tail 
   between my legs."

89
"The whole power of the
 female sex be drawn
 against me. They have
 taken away my self-
       respect."

90
"Don't say that, Sweetland -
 I won't hear a strong,
 sensible man talk like
          that."

91
"What be women made
    of nowadays?"

92
"I've got a lot of faults,
 but there's good in me
     yet, 'Minta."

93
"'Tis enough to weaken
 your faith in the whole
      pack of us."

94
"You'd think being mistress
 of the farm might tempt
 them, if the farmer can't!"

95
"There's that nice woman,
 Jane Cherry, the huckster's
          sister."

96
"There is a woman ....
    one woman ..."

97
"Don't think you'll make
 me angry, if you say no -
 I be tamed to hearing
          no."

98
"I'm offering myself so humble
 as a worm. Hope's gone,
 but I'd like to mention one
 thing in my favour ..... a
  little child can lead me."

99
"Be you sure you mean
 this? 'Tis fearful sudden."

100
"The Lord works the same
 as lightning and don't give
 warning when He is going
 to wake sense in a man's
          heart."

101
"I'll be proud to enter
 in, Samuel - I'll enter
 in with trust and hope."

102
"If you repent this bit
 of work, then may I
 lose my salvation."

103
"And now to mark the
 change, you must blossom
  out this very minute."

104
"Where's that brave party
 frock my Tibby gave you?"

105
"'E's catched a woman
      after all?"

106
"God befriend you and me
 then ... to think of another
  female in this house!"

107
"They do say that the next
 best thing to no wife be a
 good one. He has come 
  out on top at last."

108
"I be on your side, 'Minta -
 I'll help you manage him."

109
"Don't forget to tell him
  I'm cruel under-paid."

110
"I've changed my mind, 
        Samuel."

111
"I was just going to
 tell Mary something
     interesting."

112
"Don't forget to let Tabby
     Tapper hear it."

113
"I've heard tell of your sad
 tale, Samuel, and I've found
 one for 'ee .... worth her
 corn at a feast or a funeral!"

114
"I've made my selection,
 and you shall stay and
     drink to her."

115
"And if anybody knows a
 woman with a gentler heart
 and a straighter back and
 a nobler character, I'd like
       to see her."



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